Two funny piceces I stumbled upon in a certain Yahoo! group...
Metal Genres A Humorous Look At Metal Genres
(from
here)
Heavy Metal - Style of music know for distorted guitars and generally dark lyrics, Metal started around 1969-70 when Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple blew up the 60s. Originally seen as the retarded cousin to hard rock, Metal rose to prominence with enough outcast, teenage boys under its wing to stand on its own. Nobody can agree on what true heavy metal sounds like, but most agree that it sounds best turned up LOUD.
Alternative Metal - Metal with alternative stylings and without the regular metal guitar progression. Generally has whiney-ass singers. This is a good place to put stuff that doesn't fit elsewhere.
Black Metal - In its purest state, Black Metal may just be the most hateful, evil, apocalyptic metal on the planet. Hyperfast, buzzsaw guitar & off beat blastbeats usually characterize the music. Band members like to drop heavy objects like car batteries and decapitated pig heads on each other's nutsacks to get high, screechy vocals. Some paint themselves up with corpse paint as white as a geisha girl's snatch. Some worship Satan, some are anti-Christian, some are Pagan; as long as there's somebody to hate, they're happy...well, sort of happy because that would go against the idea of not being happy. Names reflect an obsession with "The Lord of the Rings" saga. The question is--how much more black can it get?
Also includes:
Norwegian, Atmospheric, Symphonic, Pagan, Blender and Let's-Kill-Somebody-And-Burn-a-Church-This-Weekend styles.
Death Metal - Metal genre that started around 1986 when some thrashers tripped over their guitar chords and fell into the Pit of Hell. It's an extremely brutal mix of speed, thrash, and gore with riffs that range from slower, heavy as molasses type riffs to lightning speed fretwork with blast beats and pummeling double bass. Vocalists are known to sound like the Cookie Monster with a bad case of laryngitis. Subject matter can include all the lovely things in life like war, depression, corpses and the ever popular death. Band names are generally end with a "y"--why? ...because they love you. They also love sweat pants.
Also includes:
Floridian, New York, Gothenburg, Swedish, Atmospheric, Experimental, Grindcore, Mathcore, Crapcore, Crust and Jazzy-Mathematical Genius styles.
Doom - Slow and depressing early style of metal created around the early 70's. Bluesy, chunky guitars mixed with supernatural lyrics dominate this style's sound. You might actually say some of the riffs are crunchy and crusty, not chunky, but hardly are they ever crispy or creamy. A lot of times they're crappy, cruddy and just plain crummy.
Hardcore - Descending from the limited instrumentational boundaries of punk, hardcore's instrumentation is raw with vocals that are generally screamed. Small clubs are its place of play. Musically, it's usually played better than hardcore punk, but not as good as Metalcore which is slightly better, but isn't good enough to be called Metal. Really, it just sounds like crappy played metal.
Hard Rock - Music featuring stronger guitar playing than rock and roll with an edgier sound that was generally blues-based and somewhat distorted. Rose to prominence in the 70's and became the music of choice for Budweiser-drinking, Camero-driving, mulletheads. Most likely to start arguments whether it is metal or not.
Industrial - Techno-metal. Rhythmic-centered metal characterized by additional digital effects and noises. You get all your snap, crackle and pops in this one. Few bands are playing this metal much anymore because computers and metal is a paradigm that few accept. Maybe not, I just wanted to use the word--paradigm.
Nu Metal aka Rapcore - Metal of the new millennium that's known for beatbox style vocals with heavy down-tuned, groove-based, bouncy guitar work. Bands usually had one member that was bald, one with cornrows, one fat with a goatee and one with Kool-Aid colored hair. Throw in some body piercings black clothes and a general angsty-depressive look at society and you got it. Look for fans hanging out at Hot Topic in your local mall.
N.W.O.B.H.M. (New Wave of British Heavy Metal) British metal from when Zeppelin was dying out in the late 70s and by far the longest initialized genre term in metal. Bands exploded out all over the U.K metal scene just like how The Renaissance period came forth from The Dark Ages. Now, that would make a cool, compare-and-contrast, high-school essay.
Power - Classic metal style featuring a twin guitar attack supported by rapid downstroking, soaring high-pitched vocals, and anthem-styled lyrics. It's one of the few styles with positive, uplifting ideas dominating the dark ones. Subject matter is typically fantasy-based, dungeons and dragons masturbation material that male virgins like to downstroke to in their attics. Still the style most likely to have members wearing smelly, cheese-filled spandex.
Also includes:
Neoclassical, Speed, Teutonic, Symphonic, Power-Progressive, Viking, Folk and Circus styles
Progressive - Musically complex and highly technical, Prog players are known for their skills and like to show it in their music with complicated structures and perfectionist playing. Expect a whole bunch of self-indulgent riffs and musical/vocal lines that don't flow. These guys will impress you with their well-coifed hair and playing abilities faster than you can whip out a Julliard Graduation paper. Bands are the most likely to play single-digit crowds and have a job at your local steakhouse during the week.
Also includes:
Prog-Power, Prog-Thrash, Prog-Death, Prog-Prog, Ping-Prog, but no real Prog-Black or Prog-Nu styles
Stoner - Pass the joint, please.
Thrash - Thrash is know for being fast, aggressive, less controlled and with the punk sensibilities power metal usually doesn't have. Fast rhythms are usually supported by a rapid, unchanging downbeat on drums. Vocals are generally higher-pitched rather than growling. Members are known to have long, stringy hair that hasn't been washed for 6-weeks and credit card bills out the ass.
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Metalheads saving the princess(from
here for example, but seems to be circulating in a ton of other places)
This is the situation: there's a beautiful princess trapped in a castle watched by a dragon. Here's the end of the story with different styles of metalheads as knights.
POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.
FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave....without the princess.
VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomises the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him,then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.
GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.
NU METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.
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I really liked those ^o^ Oh, and there's something else I found...
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